[a blank canvas] comment

Sometimes saying nothing says everything. Less is more. Please ignore the cliches, I don't care. Sometimes you have to do nothing before you can do anything. You have to embrace the reality of emptiness before you can appreciate the beauty of creativity. In my art, it all starts with a blank canvas. A technique I often go back to when I need to reset my thought process and start again. A blank canvas really clarifies things for me when my art looses direction.

a blank canvas

(19.11.12)

[moment reason purpose] comment

Life is built upon by a series of moments. What were you doing the moment before reading this? How about 4 moments ago? But why and how do we decide what happens from one moment to the next? What kind of moments do you prefer? And for what purpose? What drives us as humans? These questions burn at the back of my brain constantly. I seek short periods of time where I can enjoy my being here. I have a balanced collection of experiences. Can a small moment in time change things in the bigger scheme of things? I takes moments, and I take each day as it comes. I enjoy the 'now'. After reading this, take the next moment to really consider the 'now'. What are you thinking? What are you planning to do next? Really experience it. Identify the moment, discover its reason... and ultimately its purpose for existing.

moment reason purpose

(06/11/2012)

[perplex complex reflects] comment

It can be a confusing and intricate process, recognising the past. To move forward... do we actually need to commit time to the past? Is there any point in that? Surely what's done is done, and it's what comes next that is important. Or do we learn from our mistakes? Am I over-thinking this? This image came from my sub-conscience. I often find it challenging when it comes to the 'past/future' debate. I like looking back and exploring what happened. I also like looking forward and the excitement of what tomorrow will bring. I think the two need to work in unison... learn from the past so we can build a better future. But let's not dwell or live in the past... no. That would be bad. Recognise it, enjoy it, think it over... then move forward with a sense of purpose. Fire those brain cells and embrace time in a collective sense.

perplex complex reflects

(30/10/12)

[underneath the waves] comment

What's hidden between the lines? Underneath the waves? We are surrounded by energy. We are energy. But there are some things in this world that we simply don't understand... so what makes up that energy? What kind of energy is hidden, masked by the waves? Waves are all around us, and I'm not just talking about literal waves in the oceans... although they do make up a small part of what I'm talking about. Sound. Light. These can be measured as waves of energy. So, what about the energy that's beyond our understanding of the world? What secrets and/or power does it hold? Are we surrounded by energy that's beyond our comprehension? What if the energy as we knew it decided to evolve and take control? If it decided to fight back? Would our existence as we know it come to an end? Would the societies we have built be over? I think there are a lot of unexplained aspects of life on earth. Energy has yet to reveal it's true colours, where one colossal event could cause a multitude of ripples.

Underneath the waves

(23/10/12)

[freedom via slavery] comment

Are we free? Or are we led to believe that we are free? Free to choose. We work for our freedom. We are bound by these rules like slaves, aren't we? The symbolic image of a person in a suit, repeated over and over again, sums up this cycle we are caught in. Then, when we do finally feel 'free' it feels like we're falling out of control. Therefore slavery is control, and freedom is falling? This could well be the case. What happens when you let go, when you let your inhibitions take over? Do you feel that sense of freedom? Which is the most natural feeing... freedom or slavery? Or are we bound by both? I think we should connect more with that sense of 'letting go' and feel free from the daily routine. But that's just me, others prefer the structured 'system'. That's their freedom.

Freedom via slavery

(16/10/2012)

[real not real] comment

What is reality? Oh shit. I think this subject may have been explored before. Oh well, fuck it... as I say. For me, reality is what's around us. It's everything that has been here before, and will be here long after we're all dead. And by that I mean the human race as a whole. The universe is real. 'Time' isn't, in the sense that clocks, schedules etc are all man-made constructs. Therefore they are not real. Time is design. It isn't the foundations on which reality is built. The universe is the foundations upon which reality is built. The trees, the oceans... all that stuff adds up to one big slice of reality. Clocks are just a phase, and once the human race has run its course... clocks will become obsolete. Time will have no relevance. Not in the way we know it anyway. The one constant? Space. That was here long before us and will remain here for a long, long fucking time. Disregard that clock (it's not real) and embrace reality.

Real not real

(09/10/12)

[distraction of interaction] comment

Distraction of interaction (see previous post) is an accompaniment to the interaction is subtraction instalment. This and distraction of interaction are commentaries on the infrastructure of certain governing systems. The first was a reaction to the lives we lead... like ants scurrying around our cities, with no apparent cause. The idea being, that the more we interact the more we are subtracted from our own goals in life, hence interaction is subtraction. Distraction of interaction is a continuation of this theme, the more we interact the more we are distracted. The key reference in this piece is the use of faded and blurred 'symbols'. Again, 'systems' that give us something to follow. Something to distract us. Are we really leading out the lives we choose, or are we merely led to distraction and subtraction via interaction? Who fucking knows, but it's interesting thinking about it and creating a visual response.

Distraction of interaction

(02/10/2012)

From one existence to the next

Energy. What is it? Is it just a way of powering things? Cars, lights, toasters, electric toothbrushes etc etc blah blah. Or is it deeper? We all know we run on energy, and if we eat too much fuel we get fat, and if we exercise we burn that fat. It's a simple enough equation. Energy enters our body, then energy leaves our body... right? Each of us are a person created by two other people, so some of their energy went into making us. Ok, that seems fine... they combined their energy, and gave a little bit to us so we could exist. But what happens when we die? Is it simply a matter of gradually fading out, like a candle? Does our energy go somewhere when we finally die? I think energy is always travelling form one point to the next. That's how the universe works. When I die, I take comfort in knowing that my energy will eventually be a part of something else. I believe that we don't just die and that's it. It's a huge lifecycle that continuously balances itself out. It's just that in this instance, we are human and we have what's called a conscience. We can think about things, and interact with things in a different way. Once the energy has left our bodies though, it moves onto something else... balancing out the bigger picture. Passing from one existence to the next.

Interaction is subtraction

(25/09/2012)

Distortions of september

(09/2012)

Connecting the dots, does it make sense?

. = no sense

.. = no sense

… = no sense

…. = no sense

….. = no sense

…... = no sense

…... = no sense

….... = no sense

…..... = no sense

…...... = no sense

…....... = no sense

…........ = no sense

…......... = no sense

….......... = no sense

…........... = no sense

…............ = no sense

…............. = no sense

….............. = no sense

…............... = no sense

…................ = no sense

…................. = no sense

….................. = no sense

…................... = no sense

….................... = not connected but make perfect sense.

[con]clusion:[XXIII]: dots do not have to be connected to make sense. Let the dots 'be' from twenty-three.

Nature is in the machine

(09/12)

The Media tells you what to do

The internet, television, magazines, newspapers, radio... every conceivable media platform moulds the way you think, and consequently tells you what to do.

Consider it for a moment. You flick on the news at 7 in the morning whilst making your coffee. Depending on what news you view, it can affect your thought process. It can dig deep into your subconscious and affect your mood pattern... without you even realising it. This is the non-direct way of how the media affects your behaviour. But there is of course the more obvious form of media manipulation, namely advertising. Advertising doesn't simply inform you of the products benefits anymore, it also taps into your emotions and belief systems. It takes advantage of you, so you buy their product. We all know that this happens, but do any of us mind it? No, not really. We kind of accept it, and can see straight through it. As a matter of fact, it's ok... because at the end of the day we have a choice. We can choose to buy or not to buy. This is not the case however when it comes to political propaganda.

The Media can steer it's audience into one collective way of thinking. By Media, I am referring directly to the news we see on the TV and the internet etc. IE journalism. Over time, and if it's well designed... the Media can convince the majority of the population how to think, and therefore tell them what to do. It's a form of brainwashing. If you didn't watch the news, would your life change? Or is it just another form of control? The Media is a 'fear machine'. Go on, try it. Watch the news for a week and monitor your mood and behaviour. Then, the next week... don't watch it. How do you feel? Which do you prefer? How do we know what the Media is telling us is accurate? Once you realise this, you begin to question everything... as I have. I take snippets of information from various sources and try to paint a balanced picture.

So, advertising and propaganda. Two forms of media from two ends of the spectrum. One manipulates our senses, but we still have a choice. Where there other manipulates our choice and blinds our senses.

My mood becomes more positive when I make my own decisions about my life. When I think for myself. When I turn off the noise and actual consider what is best for me and my family. Don't get me wrong, I do like to keep informed with world events. I just don't let it affect my behaviour. It doesn’t tell me what to do...

Open up, let it out

Over the past few weeks I have experimented with some automatic writing and subconscious sketching... as you can see in my 'automatic excerpts' and 'subconscious studies' 1 through 3... oddly enough.

So, what are they all about? Well... nothing really. I've simply opened up my mind and have let out whatever words and images are in there. With the automatic writing, it's just a random blend of spontaneous words, sentences and mark making. Whereas the subconscious sketching is allowing my hand to explore the page without any preconceived ideas or notions. Both techniques allow me to open up and let out whatever I want... so anything goes. There is no right or wrong answer with this level of creativity, as it's completely introspective and self indulgent. It's a kind of therapy. This type of outlet enables me to then relax my creative mind so I can then focus on more specific creative projects, for example within my design management business. Within my business it's very specific and well planned... the complete opposite to what I do within my 'modern creative' headspace. My 'modern creative' outlet enables me to do better in my 'design management' job.

You can do this too! Open up and let it out. Try it with a blank piece of paper or notebook. Don't pressure yourself to get anything right. Don't listen to anything your brain tries to take control of! Let go. Allow yourself to make marks or express words without fear. It sounds easy doesn't it? Or is it?

See how you get on.

We're so governed by rules and set systems that it's difficult to 'let go'. Even drawing and writing is controlled by a set number of rules. You have to take a step away from this and say 'fuck it' I'm not going to let any rules or anyone else’s ideas interfere with the marks I make on this page... 'fuck off!'

That's why I consider it a great form of therapy. To allow yourself time to do whatever you want with words and images. I always feel calmer after a spout of automatic writing or subconscious sketching. It's my therapy. Is it yours? It's also a great way of opening up your creativity. If I'm having a bad day with a clients design brief, I'll stop and grab my sketch book and do some random stuff instead! You know that thing they call a 'block'? Writers call it a writing block. I suffer from 'creative blocks' which I resolve by indulging in some automatic and/or subconscious work. Then I'm all better and can tackle that commercial design brief head on.

So open up, let it out. It can improve your personal and working life.

Subconscious study no. 3

Subconscious study no. 3 (09/12)

Automatic excerpt no. 3

Why are you reading this?

I mean, haven't you got anything better to do? Why don't you go and do what you want to do, rather than reading about what I want to do?

This is a personal journal of my artwork, that I have decided to put on-line. So if anyone wants to read it, or look at my random sketches, they are more than welcome to. However, haven't you got anything better to do? Why are you still reading this? Unless of course you aren't reading this, and you have actually gone off to do what you want to do. Which is great, but I'm now talking to you (who's gone off to do what you want to do) as if you're still here. Which is impossible. It's not going to work. So I need to talk to those of you who are still here, reading this paradoxical babble. Why are you still reading this? There is no greater purpose regarding this random collection of words other than to waste your time... so stop reading and go and do whatever you want to do! That project you've been putting off for the last 6 months... go and do it. It's got to be better than reading this nonsense surely?

I now assume you've all gone off to do what you want, so I'll talk to myself for a bit...

dvbiasdbf dfoadfo dsf dsFOHF DFODF DFOdfiohfdofi df dhih FIDHF dd sdv vdvdoih dsoiVD NDOFHd fd ffkdfh dfdF DFDOIFH D dkdfjhsd fdsnf jlF jf dohd oSDO CDOHI FFBEMWFB E,DCCDFHFORIF jpioe ag roighq gqerf dqwpi e.

I always find it therapeutic to let it all out.

To you, if anyone's there, those few lines of letters above may seem like complete twoddle. But to me, they are symbolic of my inner calling. To confuse and disorientate in some way. To suggest the possibility that there doesn't have to be an answer, or a set way of doing things. Randomly write, draw and behave. It's fun and breaks you away from the daily grind. So why exactly are you still reading this? I'm not going to change you. You need to do that. If you haven't got the message yet and you're still reading this, then there is little hope for you. Unless of course, you can drag yourself away before I complete this particular blog. Go on, stop reading. Quick! Before I reach the end! If I reach to end before you stop reading, you'll never go and do what you want to do. You'll always follow others. You'll always read about how other people are doing. So go! Now! I'm approaching my last sentence. Oh for fucks sake... why are you still reading this??

Subconscious study no. 2

Subconscious study no.2 (08/12)

Why I like empty space

It makes a point, doesn't it?

Why I like orange

I love the colour orange. That's why I picked it as my brand colour for my business: Quagga Design Management. But why do I like it so much?

Ok, I've done some further research and it signifies the following:

• It's a power colour
• It's one of the healing colours
• It stimulates enthusiasm
• It stimulates creativity
• It means vitality with endurance
• People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere
• A dynamic colour, orange offers a more thoughtful alternative to red
• Orange signifies curiosity
• Orange signifies exploration
• It can spice things up in times of boredom
• It offers relief from things becoming too serious

Yes, these things pretty much sum up how I work... and how Quagga works. My business is active, healing, enthusiastic, creative, thoughtful, dynamic and... well, different. It seems I have subconsciously picked a brand colour that is perfect for what my business signifies. This is why I love it. Look deeply... it's quite something isn't it?

Orange square (08/12)

Sight is blind

Sight is blind (08/12)

Making it up as I go along

Today, I'm doing just that. Making up this blog as I go along. I don't have a set plan of what I'm going to talk about... it's just going to come to mind and I'm going to type it. But this is not automatism. No. I'm still going to write with conscious interaction. Blah blah blah. Etc etc. To be continued. So, what next?
The concept of time is simple: Without time, man would simply spiral into nothingness. Imagine, getting up when the sun rises and going to bed when it gets dark. There is no 'Monday' or 'August' or the year '2012'. It's just space. A massive planet with no time. If clocks were suddenly gone, would you freak out? How much do we take for granted regards 'time'? As for the advanced array of systems that arguably clog up our planet, don't get me started! Most systems are good, some are bad. As much as I dislike the concept of systems and being governed, I do see their value, as without them it would be chaos and we would all suffer. So, it's all about balance... isn't it? I believe in balance and harmony. But I am also like extreme things too. To put it simply, I like red meat but I also like fresh peppers. I like wine but I also like water. I like snuggling up in bed but I also like skydiving. I like metal music but I also like soppy rom-coms. I like monsters but I also like kittens. So, I get a greater variety in my life due to keeping it balanced! I'm not against anything, and I'll give anything a try! Why not? When you first hear someone talking about balance and moderation, you may think that it's a boring place to be. Far from it. You actually experience more! Because you are open to ideas and therefore will experience a greater number of opportunities. I like sitting in the dark drinking coffee whilst writing blogs, but I also like wide open spaces meeting new people in new places. I'm both anintrovert and an extrovert. I like taking time for myself as much as I like to spend time with other people. I find people fascinating. People from all walks of life. And I value each and every person just the same. I'll strike up a conversation with anyone, regardless of their social status. I don't care where you are in your job or what car you drive. If you're a descent human being, that's good enough for me. I try not to take myself too seriously, which you might find odd if you've read all my previous blogs. Yes, I like to get on my soap-box... but why not? I then balance it out with then talking complete childish bollocks! So that's ok! I don't want to be known for being either. I just want to be allowed to explore my feelings and emotions as they occur, and not be set to a single track. I guess that's why I'm an artist. I soak up information, think on it, then either regurgitate it in some manner or not. It's whatever inspires me. For example, I love metal music, horror films, extreme sports and taking risks. But some days I also love to chill out, kick back and watch a rom-com with my wife knowing that everything is organised for the next day. Sometimes I like to plan, and sometimes I like to be spontaneous. But that's just me. I don't like to be set by one rule. Just because I'm one thing doesn't mean I can't appreciate another. Balance is the key. But what is a key really? Is it just an object that enables us to keep our possessions secure? Car keys. House keys. We all have them. But what about the key to your inner self? Have you ever used it? Try it now. Take your 'key' and unlock your inner mind, and release those inhibitions! Do what you've always wanted to do. Stop securing it. Let it free! That's the key. There is no predetermined end to this blog, it's just going to fade off at some point, which is going to happen very soon I think. I do that quite a lot. 'Think'. How about you? I like thinking. It kind of goes with planning... and reflection of course. I think about things that have happened so I learn from them. I think a lot. I think there's a philosopher in me somewhere that will one day break out. Maybe in my later years, you know, when I'm 70 or 80... when I have even more time to 'think'. However, even at that age I intend to be going out on my mountain bike and to metal gigs. That'll give me a lot to think about I'm sure. Being 70 and going to a metal concert. That sounds amazing. I will also be travelling a lot from my mid 40's I think, once my kids are older and I'm living in a smaller house. I want to put my money into travelling the world with my camera and business, rather than being tied down to a large house that takes up all my time. That's not for me! Time is short, so let's fill it with the stuff we want to do. Time's up.

Everything has its limit? Fuck that shit...

eve-ry-thing:

1. every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all
2. something extremely important

lim-it:

1. the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent
2. a boundary or bound

What a fucking way to think eh? Could it be an excuse? Well, I can't go any further... I've reached my limit. After all, everything has its limits! Who said so? Who sat there and said... hmmm... lets make everything limited. I don't fucking think so.

For one thing, my thoughts aren't limited. So immediately that phrase falls flat on its face. Oh no! My thoughts have been limited... what am I to do!? Precisely. It's complete bollocks.

All you have to do is open your mind, and you can do anything. The only person holding you back is you. Forget all that stuff you've been force fed and start to believe in yourself. If you have a dream, do something about it. Don't just sit there subjecting yourself to the free-flow of excuses that pop up and occupy your mind. Try this, as soon as a negative or 'limiting' thought comes to mind, do the exact opposite... straight away! For example, you want to paint a picture but your brain tells you that you can't be bothered and you'd rather sit on the sofa watching TV. Fuck that shit!! Get up, grab those paints and that canvas you got 3 months ago and just get on with it. The more you do this the easier it gets. I've been employing it for the last few months and it's starting to become second nature. IE:

My initial thought: I think I'll go for a bike ride

My lazy/limited mind: No you don't, sit down and put your feet up

My 'fuck that shit' thought: Fuck you! No, I'm going for a bike ride NOW!!

...and before I know it I'm on my bike, feeling a hell of a lot better. I don't know what it is about modern man, but it seems that the general population is all too happy sitting around and accepting things as they are. Or are they? People seem to have strong ideas and beliefs about something, but don't act on it? Why? What's the one thing you want to do before you die? Well?? I bet you haven't even started it yet, or you find an excuse not to do it, or you're putting it off until next year. Sorry, but you'll get to 87 on your death bed wondering 'Why the hell didn't I just get on with it 50 years ago? Fuck. Now I'm too old and I'm going to die.'

Fuck. That. Shit.

Forgotten time

Forgotten time (Aug 2012)

So, that was the Olympics

I did enter the London 2012 Olympics with a sense of scepticism and uncertainty. I think it was the negative media that surrounded the build-up to the games. You know, the costs involved (somewhere between 9 and 12 billion pounds), plus those corporations that sponsored the games (Coca Cola, McDonalds etc). Was it money well spent? Could those billions of pounds gone on something more important? Were we sending out the right message via those corporate sponsors? So before the games even got started, my mind was full of media speculation.

I think it has been money well spent, as long as the 'feel good' factor is utilised and we encourage the next generation of young athletes. We've had a record result for team GB... and it would be a shame to loose the vibe that has been built upon in the last two weeks. I personally enjoy most sports, and partake in some myself. I enjoy the competitive, rewarding, team playing aspects. Over the last 2 weeks, we have identified some really strong role models for our kids. These athletes have shown us that you can achieve your goals via hard work and determination, and that's exactly what our children need to see and aspire to. Let's not demolish the Olympic stadium (as some rumours suggest), instead let's work out a way in which we can inspire our children and use the stadium in a positive manner. A balance has to be struck, between making the stadium financially viable whilst delivering its legacy to the next generation of athletes. Me? I would run weekly concerts and events to maintain its upkeep. Then for the rest of the time, I would get children into the stadium practicing their respective disciplines. How great would it be to be able to train on an olympic track, or within an olympic pool? How amazing would that be for the next generation?

As a spectator of the 2012 Olympics, I've really enjoyed it. Especially the cycling and track events. I know there has been a lot of negativity surrounding the games regards its cost and it's corporate sponsors. But I'm trying to weigh up the pros and cons. Yes it's been expensive and the money could have been better spent elsewhere. Yes the games have been funded by corporations that should not be identified with athletes. Yes I don't like it. However, the games have been a huge success and open up some exciting opportunities for our youth. Having watched the Olympics, children actually want to be like the athletes they've seen on TV. It's how we take that positive energy into the coming months and make those important decisions. I think we'll learn a lot about our government over the next year and what they value for the future... and how they plan to match team GB's 2012 success at the 2016 Rio games...

Automatic excerpt no. 2

Look deep out of his foot. Normal new sock reaction, distraction > multiplication. Sits laughs and looks like a dog.

Shits giraffes and hooks like a knob.

Spits scarf and shook life a fog.

Well.....Never.....Maybe.

Maybe.....Not.....Yes.

Fantasy creates illusions of real things being greater than what they actually are. Forever sing like this began its decent into hell so it would not align. Peace creates comfort, comfort creates boredom, boredom creates questions, questions create answers, answers create war, war creates peace. - fudge*

I have given myself the task of finding twenty four words to describe what is on my mind regards this status update. Job done.

The middle of the beginning has almost reached its conclusion. No more thought is received in time for consideration. Tales of old remember themselves in a time that modern minds have forgot.

----- Calm -----

For some reason I really want to write: butterscotch.

Do you 'know', really? Can you be 100% sure. Pineapple fridge can save the way. Forgive me fucker, for I have binned it. Thrown it to the fucking clouds. Out of somewhere comes nowhere... very very fast. Not of the Earth nor the sun can the clouds or rain or thunder destroy our souls. Begin this, for now is the time of questioning. Of provoking. Need not the baggage of contemporary limits... for they blind us to the obvious truth. That we are animals, force fed bullshit information so that the powerful can manipulate and exploit us. All of us. NOW COUNT. COUNT THE WAY TO YOUR DEMISE. COUNTDOWN THE SECONDS. FOR WE ARE ALL MORTALS, FIGHTING FOR WHAT PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME WE HAVE LEFT. <<<<<

>>Fingers poinT >>>

Dead is the life of new blood stream green light discovers odd lush singular transaction decoding in unison with the unreal delight as seen outside of no regular pattern.

DANGER THIS COULD FADE. WHEN 100 YEARS HAVE PASSED AND ENTERED THE PAST WILL ANYONE CONSIDER THE EXISTENCE OF WHAT IS NOW? NEVER THE MACHINE GROWS YET IT GUIDES US WITHOUT US REALLY KNOWING, NO ONE KNOWS.

Like life, these marks will gradually fade. Now they've made their mark. New found power rises from within. The external boundaries do not contain. The middle ground has been destroyed.

Subconscious study no. 1

Subconscious study no. 1 (Aug 2012)

What has happened in my life so far, in a nutshell

I was born on November 3^rd 1977, so just over 34 years and 9 months ago. Yes, I turn 35 this year... how I got to this number I don't quite know. I still feel like I'm 18 sometimes. Yet other times I feel a lot older... because of what's happened in my life so far. So, in a nutshell...

From the age of 0-5 I was born and toddled about a bit! I don't remember anything from this time so I can't comment on it. So for the first 5 years of my life I have no appreciation of it. Damn. It must have been ok as I'm still here! From 5-22 I went through the education system. This shaped me into the well-rounded individual I am now. I attended primary, middle and high school where I struggled to make sense of any of it. I just put my head down and worked the best I could. I made a few friends, who are still my friends today. I did well at graphic design and art, and got good enough grades in maths, english and science to go onto college.

In 1994 I started 6^th form college where things got better. People actually wanted to learn their subjects, and there were no idiots or bullies. It's here I think I actually started to find 'me'. By the upper-sixth (year 2) I had found myself and my preferred subjects. I had a close-nit group of friends, and I was studying A-level art, technology and photography. Towards the end of my second year I put together my first ever artists portfolio, I was 18. I had an interview at the Norwich art school, and to obtain a place I had to have a very strong portfolio of work. Which I had. I was offered an unconditional position in the early part of 1996, so there was no pressure on me to get top grades in my A-levels! I did ok at A-level, but I much preferred the degree to come.

From September 1996 - June 2000 I went to the Norwich art school. The first year was a foundation year, then I got onto the 3 year degree course in graphic design. I studied graphics, photography, publishing, illustration and animation. It was an amazing time and I made a great deal of friends. I did experience my first ever trauma at the art school in 1999. My girlfriend died during the second year of my degree. She killed herself, and that has been an emotional scar I've carried to this day. This event changed my perspective on life. I graduated in 2000 at the age of 22.

So I left the art school, single and a little messed up. I got a good grade, but I was robbed of my full potential due to the trauma I went through in the third year... trying to complete my degree work whilst grieving for my dead girlfriend. However, I dug deep and pulled through. I was not going to give up, and I didn't. I learnt that I was a determined and stubborn individual, and that the innocent, naive 'child' had gone.

For the year after graduation, I worked part-time at the art school as a technician. I also joined a drama group so I could meet new creative people. I also formed a band with a close friend... times were good. I took a step back and relaxed. It was in the new drama group that I met someone very special... Michelle. It was in the second term, the spring of 2001 that we first noticed each other. We would go to the pub after rehearsals and chat away about anything and everything. We hit it off really well. 3 years later we married, and today we are still here! It's been a rocky road, with some hard times... but equally fantastic times.

In a nutshell, life is amazing. You have to accept the rough with the smooth! It's true. I have a brilliant family, with a beautiful wife and two amazing boys. Back in 1999, I chose to move on the best I could and not dwell. If I hadn't of done that, I wouldn't have graduated and I wouldn't have joined a drama course. I wouldn't be where I am now. I am grateful for all the experiences I have had, as they have enriched my life. Right now, I am building up a creative business (alongside my personal artwork) whilst my family grows. It really is quite magical being with someone you love so dearly, as your children grow and discover new things.

I suppose I've only really been conscious of the last 18 years, from when I was 16. It was when I was 16/17 that I really understood who I was. It's as if for the first 16 years of your life, you're literally growing, playing and learning. It's not until you become a young adult that things start to become real for you. So in that sense, I'm not 34... I am only 18!

Automatic excerpt no. 1

Triangle sport does give into it no no it. Stimulate the marks we settle on this page for it will incredibly as it may sound hear like emptiness. Spoons they do bend if you use a hammer or jelly. Maybe. For fish sake swim on. Lezzerbergan triadens, that all I don't want to see. Strange scenario plays up and acts out of sync with everything. Cogs turn, people burn and the world will learn. Not on my time. Small hand, tiny arm, big fucking pain in the finger. Trigger. Looks book hooks menu for me and my main main end. Sick.

Feed. Feel. Forget.

Slide into fire forever may I regret.

Deny you into sense of art and conclusion for no thing really does exist with a positive clear knowledge of purpose. 17. 17. Half of it so far. How much more can be gathered? Is it know that fungus feel so delicate.

Cannot.

Break.

Pause.

Reset.

Because you can feel the hurt, does it mean you hurt? Or should we just move on? Feed the need or move to the groove. Repair your puncture, inflate your sense of self, and roll on. Move on. You wouldn't keep tearing off a repaired puncture would you? You would want to move on, move forward and enjoy. Much like a repaired puncture on a bicycle. Fact. Figure. Add. Subtract. Times. Time. Passes <

Maths, science and art. Explore. Lets get on with it.

-

Flight. ? Fight. ! Fuck it!!

> Fight!!!! <

Go for what you need. Make your life and others better. 'Be' energy. Make good of your time, before it expires... now go... be... create!

Playful fingers dance across of new design and flawless desires tapped into realms a pig will not do any harm. Ring, fragile, torture, device, caress, carcass, ._. top middle the juice no pie is cut to its edge for long nor short, puff pastry. Carrot jxtstis>opttz,18/7.

Disjoint meaning slides out 4 new + sing like it needs to be sung. Win like it needs to be won. Run like you need to get away. A way out.

Away with the edge of reason.

Nork Fork see why?

No no do not get why or the scale of it all > Flux. Do not trust.

Pie. Sight is blind. Reaction is falsity if you think

Inner rust

inner rust (2012)

Accept the vast emptiness and move on

Yes, we are a tiny planet floating amidst a vast cosmos of emptiness, but that's not to say we don't matter. We do matter, that's our purpose. That's what makes us different. That's the reason we need to exist. That's our point. Life does happen... and we are living proof of that.

I've been on an exploration of my values and beliefs over the last 4 months (see previous blogs) and I am pleased to say I've finally worked it all out. I believe in the cosmos, and I have accepted the vast emptiness of it all. That each of us are tiny specs existing on a planet that itself, is a tiny spec existing amongst a vast universe of other planets, stars and solar systems. It's more than we can ever fathom, and if you think about it too much... it can totally overwhelm you. It feels good to accept this. It feels good to know that I am so small... so I can now move on.

The importance of our lives is built up so much, where things like religion and media make us believe we are more important than we are. In the bigger scheme of things the earth is not the centre of the universe! Science soon rectified that one. We're always trying to work out what our purpose is, why we are here and what the meaning of life is. Well, I have the answers... and they're not hard to grasp. All you have to do is let go and realise that nothing is as important as it seems.

Our purpose is to exist. To survive. To eat, sleep and reproduce. Why? Well... why not? That's the option. Either we exist or we don't. Which would you choose? If you choose to live, why not do something good with it? Enjoy it. Embrace it. Interact with other people in a positive way. Why worry about all of those little things that seem so important? Accept the vast emptiness and move on. Take life by the hand and embark on a journey. Realise that there is no greater purpose, no divine being who has all the answers. Be yourself and think for yourself. Then you will discover the meaning of life for yourself. Don't be afraid to question things either. Stop being told what to think. Thinking isn't illegal.

What I'm trying to get at, is that it could all be over in a micro-second. I don't want to depress or sadden you, no. I want to share with you the reality of our situation. We are vulnerable, yet we have this amazing gift. The gift of life. There is no wise old man with a beard in the heavens, who will answer your prayers. There are however, other human who are real and do need help. Maybe you could answer their 'prayers'? Don't wish upon a star either. Act upon a feeling, and do something instead. Actions speak louder than words, as they say.

4 months ago I felt lost, but now I feel complete. Spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. I've found my 'centre'. I've accepted the vast emptiness... and now I'm moving on. What will today bring? Well, that's up to me.

The art of protest

Just say what you fucking mean. That's what I'm starting to tell myself everyday, and it's through my art that I am starting to find my voice... and my voice wants to protest.

Conformity scares the shit out of me. There's something inside of me that is screaming to be heard, and it is through my art that I am taking this journey. With the aid of this blog, my 'automatic' note book and my sketch book... I am able to connect with ideas that have been bottled up for the best part of a decade. I have realised that I am an artist (shock!) and not suited to being a conventional cog that is subjected to a daily grind. I feel as if I have a different route to take. I want to make art via words, photos, drawings and film. I feel as if I have a purpose, and it's this purpose that's driving me.

But what is it that I want to say? What is my protest?

I want to question everything! So, where to begin. Why are things the way they are? Who decided the 'system' should be run this way? When I think about it, it often overwhelms me. The daily horror that occurs on this planet. How much choice do we really have? From the moment we're born, we're already on course to do what's expects of us. So my protest is, what would it be like if we could all choose different paths? If there was an alternative option?

I want to protest against politics and the system.

For fucks sake. There's so much to question. So it's through my art that I am going to share my thoughts. I don't want to lead a revolution, no. I just want to study the bigger picture, and get people thinking. I have this voice inside that wants to say something... and be heard. It's all about living your life honestly. For you, this may be working 9-5 so you can buy that house you've always wanted. Good for you! As long as you answer your inner 'calling' (see blog on 4^th July) you are on the right track.

So, my art is not simply about aesthetics, portraits or landscapes. It's more than that. It's about making a point. About protesting through the medium of art. However, this is just one part of the puzzle... there is also an 'art' to protesting! As in, there is a skill to protesting effectively, and making your point so it connects with the audience.

Remember... the art of protest.

So, what do you want to protest about?

I had to

I had to (2012)

What inspires me Pt 2: The influence of 'Metal'

I'm talking about metal music. I love it. I've been a fan of the scene since I was 14, so that's 20 years now. Just yesterday I lost myself in the latest Gojira and Fear Factory albums, and right now I have the new Baroness album playing.

As a young teenager of 13, I was listening to the likes of Michael Jackson and Madonna. It wasn't until I went over to a friends house that I discovered something different. He had these posters plastered all over his wall, of guys will long hair sticking their middle fingers up! The band was Guns N' Roses. I had never heard of them. I was 13, and I was a fan of 'pop' music. He stuck on their (now legendary) album Appetite For Destruction and I was instantly hooked to 'that' sound. It was loud and angry and had a purpose. Just what I needed as a teenager. It's that moment that kicked off my love of loud rock and metal music.

It wasn't until about a year later that things turned a little darker. Guns N' Roses were great, but they were more heavy rock. Metal was about to enter my life. I was watching the Freddy Mercury tribute of 1992, and this band called Metallica came on stage. They blew me away! With their monstrous riffs and pounding grooves, I was completely awe-struck. This was even better... so Metallica became the soundtrack to my teenage years, and I first saw them live at Donnington in 1995. Off the back of discovering Metallica, I was introduced to bands such as Megadeth, Sepultura, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, Korn and Machine Head... who filled my teenage years with meaning, drive and determination. There's no bullshit with 'metal'. It's honest, emotionally driven music that doesn't give a fuck about anything else. It gave me strength in some very difficult times in the late 90's. If it wasn't for metal, I may not have made it. It was (and still is) a huge part of my life.

Metal music inspires me because it has strength, depth and a 'can do' attitude. It doesn't waffle off into self-pity or despair. It doesn't have that horrid 'pop' ethos of style over substance either. There's nothing 'fake' about metal. It is what it is... take it or leave it. So this has been a great influence over the years, giving me strength when needed. I guess, for me, it's a belief system. It kind of makes sense, as you're already aware of my 'Fuck it' and nihilistic foundations. Metal fits well with my genetic make up. For some reason it strikes a chord... and no other music comes close.

When 2000 turned up, the metal scene was having a shit time. Nu-metal was in full swing, which was a bit too commercial and accessible for my liking. One of the attractions to metal was not just the sound, but also the fact that it's controversial and pisses people off! I love the fact that some people I know can't stand metal. I feel like I'm part of a special club. That's what you get when you're a metal fan... it's like being in a big family. Where everyone looks out for each other. If you're a metal fan, you're part of the alternative scene... which has the most incredible array of good, honest people I have ever met. Like I said, there's no fakery, no bullshit. You become part of something that's 'real'. For me, that's been a life-saver. Literally.

Of recent years, the metal scene has re-established itself and is back on course. The bands I am into at the moment include Gojira, Meshuggah, Animals as Leaders, Fear Factory, Deftones, Mastodon and Baroness. To name a few.

20 years on... I still love this music. I'll never grow tired of it as it has so much to offer. I look forward to being in my 70s and going to a metal festival, because I know I'll be looked after, and it will drive me to exist well into my 90s. It gives me fuel. It gives me that fire in my belly, to grab life by the balls and get on with it!

Words interacting with art interacting with you

I'm currently reconnecting with an art style I explored many years ago. The combination of words and phrases, interacting with photography and image making... all carrying a theme of automatism and abstraction. In the past it's also veered off into some form of social commentary... so I'm looking forward to where this examination will lead me this time.

As a person, I've experienced a substantial dose of positive and negative emotions. I often feel a lot older than 34, yet simultaneously I'll revert to feeling like a 18 year old again. It's these emotions and psychological attributes I am looking forward to visualising and sharing. For the moment, I am keeping it open... utilising the 'automatic' approach, just to see what pops out. Then, it will evolve and take on its own direction. It will find its own path.

I love the interacting elements of words and images, and the pictures you can 'metaphorically paint' for an audience. How can a single word or phrase influence your interpretation of an image? Hence, words interacting with art, then interacting with you.

Often, artists leave their work 'untitled' allowing the audience to interpret the image as they wish. I do enjoy this (sometimes), as you can make up your own mind. However, I prefer to give an image a title... to provoke a response from the viewer. With this particular style, I am going to take it a step further and incorporate words/phrases into the canvas space. Thus influencing the audiences interpretation of the image.

What connections can be made between a word and an image, that you would not normally put together? What reaction would you have? Could it perhaps fuel a new chain of thought, leading to a source of inspiration? Or could it perplex and confuse the viewer?

Either way I want it to stir a reaction, provoke the viewer and get them thinking... whilst at the same time satisfying the aesthetic requirements that make art.

Barbara Kruger was my main influence back in 1997. I love the way she mixes her distinct typographic styling, with photographic images. It's that juxtaposition that I find so appealing, exciting and thought provoking.

Can you see?

Can you see? (2012)

Fuck religion and politics

Do you ever get the feeling that your sense of 'self' has been filtered down? That you are simply a byproduct of a 'design process' that is beyond your control? Well, I do.

Religion and politics are two huge, bloated vehicles that run our world. Yet, in the history of this beautiful planet... they are relatively recent concepts.

So what do they do?

They tell us how to think, and they are the main contributing factors regards war, famine, hatred... to name a few. When was the last time you were actually satisfied by a political agenda or issue? Have you ever been able to go through any of their manifestos and tick off each and every policy when it's been delivered?

No? I didn't think so.

I'm no expert in politics, but I do understand what I see and read. A gaggle of 'representatives' often distracted by their own party-politics, bickering and egos, whilst blatantly ignoring the key issue... people. People are what's important. Not bureaucratic nonsense that every one of us is tired of witnessing. We see it on the news, on-line and in the papers. It's everywhere.

The media tells us what it wants us to know.

What I'm trying to say is, do you think we'll ever reach a point where politics actually resolves problems, as opposed to creating them? Is a utopian society achievable, where we're all satisfied with the way things are run? With the jobs we do, the money we earn and the taxes we pay?

No, because we all have different ideas. That's the point.

We'll never reach that position, because we have to understand that each and every one of us is different... and one system cannot rule us all. We have to learn to set aside our differences and simply respect each other. We have to critically think for ourselves in a state that allows people to be themselves. One 'boot' doesn't fit everyone. So why should we settle for one set of rules? For example, the education system has very strict criteria and goals for children. How can you expect one child who excels at sports and not maths, to do as well as a child who does excel at maths? The system needs to identify personal strengths at an earlier age... because we're all different.

Regards religion, we have a system that again, tells people how to think. Now, I'm not going to disrespect religion. We all have our beliefs and I respect those of you who are religious... that's your right as a human being. You have the power to choose. All I'm saying is, make sure you do get a choice. Think for yourself. Is this right for me?

As soon as we can respect each others beliefs, and critically think for ourselves, I know this will build a better society... a better world.

Fuck politics? Fuck religion?

Yes, for me. That's my belief. Now you must respect that and allow me to exist without conflict, as I will do with your beliefs.

However, I am for society as this planet does have an issue... its ever growing population of humans. We need a system that enables people to be themselves, and to focus on their beliefs and abilities in a positive manner. To allow them to think for themselves, yet feel assured that they will come to no harm. The problem is, that this could veer quite easily in anarchy... due to those people who can't but help cause conflict.

Libertarianism. Look it up. See what you think.

I don't like politics or follow a religion.

I would prefer a utopian state where people are free to think and play to their strengths. A world where people fully respect their fellow citizens. I may be idealistic, but that's what I think.